My life is lukewarm. I am stuck in between being happy and sad. I am neither smiling my way through the day nor dreading every moment until it is time to collapse into bed. My life is dictated by the color gray. Time passes without me being present to witness it.
I am wedged smack in the middle of loving my body for what it is and hating it for the burden it is on me. Some moments I appreciate the curves and the soft skin and the blond hair. But more moments are spent pinching rolls that the Renaissance artists would make their muse, and lamenting over the face that is too round for bangs. My body is a battleground that has been held at a stalemate for a long time.
I am neither excited for the future nor pine for the past. I do not look forward to the abyss that is going to meet me after graduation. Turn on the radio, open the internet, have a pleasant conversation, and all you hear is “the chances of getting a job after college are practically zero” and “your degree is nothing more than something to decorate your wall”. There is nothing but crippling debt that will be a burden on your children and doing what is expected of you even if you don’t want to, like having children and working until you die and moving to the suburbs even when your heart belongs to the ocean. I do miss the past, with the best friendships and the sleepovers innocent crushes. But I do not miss the hurtful rumors that jealous schoolgirls spread and sleepless nights spent doing busywork meant to keep us occupied until we graduated. I am stuck in the present with no going forward or back, a point on a line, an object with all of the potential but none of the kinetic momentum.
I feel like I have not made progress in a year. I cry less but I laugh less. My panic attacks are few but my anxiety thrown up has exponentially increased. My life is not black with pops of bright pink but rather the color of the carpet in an airport that has not been replaced in twenty years.
I try to make progress but it feels like a wind is hindering my wings from expanding.