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I am ten minutes and half a mug of green tea away from a panic attack.

I can feel it building up inside of me. Like when you were little, and ate too much and then ran around and all of a sudden your insides felt ticklish and not in a good way.

I’m trying to suppress it. I know it won’t get me anywhere. It’s just a test, a stupid test. You’re going to be okay. Fine. The sun will still shine. You’ll still be alive. It’s. Just. A. Stupid. Test.

There go the uncomfortable prickles in the corner of my eyes. I can feel the wad of dry cotton someone shoved into my throat. How rude. How rude that life made me like this, unable to take a test without my whole world collapsing around me.

Stupid test.

My stomach is flooded with hot lava. I’m going to fail this test. And fail the class. And then not graduate and be stuck in a place I hate and never move on with life and always be trapped in this little cave with no sunlight and no happiness and no air no oxygen I can’t breathe oh god

It’s just a piece of paper.

I’ve been hunched over my desk for seven hours. My shoulders are in knots to the point where I can’t sit comfortably. Or lie down. Or stand. Or pick anything up.

Looking at my notes makes me want to throw up. I don’t understand them. They’re just a bunch of symbols. I don’t know what the symbols mean. This class is too hard. I’m too stupid. I’m a failure.

Why is it that three pieces of paper stapled together can define me?

I am so much more than a test grade or a GPA or the feeling in the pit of my stomach when I don’t know how to answer a single question. I am so much more than the hot tears streaming down my face as I try for the thousandth time to understand a question. I am so much more than a headache and shoulder ache and stomachache and back ache.

I’m a daughter and a best friend and a girlfriend and a puppy petter and an ocean lover and why does this test make me feel so worthless then

I don’t want to do this anymore

You have to

But I don’t want to

Just get through it

I’m so tired of just getting through it. I throw up at least once a week from nerves I’m constantly exhausted from panic attacks I don’t care about life anymore I don’t care about happiness I just need to be free need to be away from here need to breathe

I forgot how to breathe.

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